Valentines Is Serious Times

Valentines Day is coming up.  Like you needed me to remind you of that.  To be honest, the most romantic gestures that have ever happened in my lifetime were never displayed on Valentines Day.  It would suck to be the girl whose significant other only celebrated their relationship on February 14th.  Being that I am a hopeless romantic, you'd think I'd be all over this holiday.  How hopeless you ask? There isn't even a category to put me in.  That's how much I believe in fate and serendipity.  I'm a tortured soul.  What can I say?  Since I don't exactly have a valentine this year and I'm in a new place where I don't really know anyone, I guess I'll be celebrating alone....maybe with a diet coke.

However, there are 10 things in life that I love more than anything.  I'll share them with you.

 1. I love my niece's laugh - the one where she is laughing so hard that she can't make a sound and she can barely keep her eyes open while she shakes her head from side to side.  That laugh - that one right there - is the same one she's had since she was a baby and I will never tire of it.

 2. I love my dog.  I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything in this entire world.  I love the way he sleeps attached to my leg at night and the way he protects little babies like he is their bodyguard.  I panic at the thought of anything ever happening to him to the point of becoming neurotic about closed gates and faulty leashes.  That crazy beagle drives me up the wall sometimes but he is the best part of my life.

 3. I love Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf coffee but I still go to Starbucks for their petite vanilla scones. Not exactly the healthiest of choices so that kind of treat is few and far between.  I've still got mad love for them though.

 4. Along those lines, I have a love affair with navel oranges.  I particularly like the giant ones I find at the farmer's market.  Although the other day, I saw a grapefruit as big as my head there.  How is that possible?

 5. I love when someone does something so thoughtful that my heart swells.  When I say thoughtful, I mean...there was thought put into it and planning was involved.  It doesn't happen often, but when it does...wow.  It's the best feeling in the world.

 6. Baby Belly Laughs.  You know those Youtube videos of babies laughing so hard they fall backwards?  I love those.  I could watch them all day long.  Baby Awesome is starting to get the belly laughs this week and it's all I can do to not walk around the house trying to find things to amuse him.  Know what he likes? My dark purple fingernail polish.  If I move my hands just the right way, he thinks it's hysterical.

 7. I love the beach right before a storm.  The temperature drops and the wind starts to blow.  Across the water you can see the rain from the clouds hitting parts of the greenish blue water and as it gets darker you know you should take some kind of cover but you're drawn to what's about to happen and you need to feel the rain hit your face.

 8. Home for me is being sun-drenched and sandy with no make-up on and crazy saltwater hair.  I'm sitting at the smallest island bar in the world - maybe flip flops but probably barefoot and I'm drinking an icy beer and listening to reggae on Sunday.  If any of my brothers, BFF and Sister Potato Head are there it's even better.  I love these moments.

 9. I love it when someone can make me laugh so hard that I snort.  It's hard to do..but congratulations to those who can get me there.  Consider yourselves very funny.

10. I love my family and friends.  It took moving 2500 miles away from them to appreciate the love we have for each other.  When the chips are down at home, I always have them. When the chips are down here in California, I've got no one.  So, if you are part of that group and you're reading this right now - just know that I love you more than words can say! I miss your hugs and the way you just know how to be there to cheer me up when I'm down.  I miss you participating in my life. My friends are my family.  I really miss that family right now. I either need to go home or you need to come here.  I'll let you choose!

Deep Thoughts

Just out of curiosity.... Would you decorate your baby's room in a pattern that your good friend (whose name rhymes with funket) wanted to use for the child she didn't have (yet)? Especially since it's ..you know...SEA TURTLES and you don't even like getting sandy.

Make An Assessment

There's nothing better than laughing at the end of a questionable week.  Not sure why, but I tend to favor British sketch comedy.  Why are you guys so funny? Why do you make me do that snorting thing that is so attractive to the opposite sex?  If you've never heard of the Mighty Boosh and you have a warped sense of humor like myself, you need to check them out.  This is my favorite skit from them.  If you already know it, you know you'll watch it again because you love it.  If you haven't seen it yet, I apologize for putting such images in your head (no, not really) but I promise you that you'll be quoting it forever. "I'm Old Gregggggg"




While I'm on the subject.... I was just introduced to "Extras" on HBO with Ricky Gervais. Oh. My. God. Funniest shit I've seen on TV in a long ass time.

Urban Dictionary

Thirsty Thursday? Unless you're thirsty for two really ridiculous and random facts about my day, I can't help you.

Fact #1 - While waiting at the stoplight today a motorcycle with two men zipped between my car and another to gain the top spot at the light.  It was a really long light.  These precious minutes helped me to realize that the passenger on the bike was having a shirt malfunction and it was sticking up in the back.  In a brief moment of "WTF" I noticed that he was indeed wearing Spanx under his clothes.  It's not just for fat girls anymore...it's also for men who look like they don't need it in the least.  Not that it matters to me or the story in general, but Nelly's song, "Ride With Me" was playing on the radio and that gave the whole scenario a little side of funny.

Fact #2 - I am the last person in the world to hear of Urban Dictionary.  Luckily, Sister Potato Head caught me up to speed and it was just in time.  For had I not read it with my own eyes, I would never have known that Junket actually means:  "Male semen ejaculated from the testicles." (as in) "I'm terribly sorry, but I seem to have come my junket all over your blue dress."  


Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.  Can your name top this in the Urban Dictionary? I need to know.

Screw The Oscars

I'm giving out some blog awards instead!

If you don't already read grumblesandgrunts you are missing out.  Not only is she a great writer who was bold enough to paint her bedroom black, she just nominated me for a Beautiful Blogger award.  If this were real life and she was trying to score some booty, I would have just become another notch on her belt.  It's also quite possible that I should lay off the analogies for a bit.  This isn't the SAT's and whatnot.  So, thank you grumbles (who purposely does not use capitalization and punctuation so lay off her shit) for the award and also for the shout out that was accompanied by "that damned junket".  Dang, it's like she knows me.

This award comes with some rules.  I also want a crown, but I'm willing to wait on that.

1. Thank the person who nominated me for this award. - CHECK.
2. Copy the award & place it on my blog. - CHECK.
3. Link to the person who nominated me for this award. - CHECK.
4. Share 7 interesting things about myself. - Brace yourself.
5. Nominate 7 other beautiful bloggers. - ONLY 7? Oh, Christ.

Seven Interesting Things About Junket

1. As of late, I have obviously been referring to myself in the third person.

2. My favorite beers are as follows: Stella Artois, Blue Moon and Peroni.  However, my trainer says I have to remain beer free so she's a bitch.

3. I don't eat most fish because I believe overfishing is destroying our oceans. 

4. I am deathly afraid of snakes but I will swim with sharks - excluding great whites.  I look too much like a seal from their point of view.

5. I have a birthmark that looks like a pink dot from a marker on my left knee.  It's how I learned to tell my left from my right. I also have a Jay Leno chin.  My friends are assholes about it.

6. I once saw Sting walking through Central Park but today I saw Jane Lynch at Trader Joe's.

7. My dog loves Gwen Stefani.  He howls when he hears Hollaback Girl.  Bradshaw...here's your proof.


Uh-Huh That's His Shit from Junket Juice on Vimeo.

This is also not my house (as seen by all the toys for kids) so I probably pissed a few neighbors off in the process of getting this video! You're welcome.

Now here are 7 Beautiful Bloggers besides grumbles that I recommend you check out.  We all tend to follow each others blogs so this may be a little redundant.  

My Cheap Version of Therapy -Beautiful and brave enough to share her journey with all of us.  Plus, up until yesterday, she could drink you under the table and has a secret crush on Jared Allen.
Are You The Gatekeeper  - It's probably a good thing we live far way from each other because one bad influence versus another is a court date...unless you're on the ice.
Kim's Kitchen Sink - Kim shares my love for Trader Joe's plus she finds me recipes for things like Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes.
Whisker Biscuit - She is deliciously ridiculous and one of her comments almost made Sister Potato Head and I wet our pants in the car.
Single Mom Adventures - One woman raising one awesome child who will give you a refreshingly honest and funny account of being a single parent.
The Accidental Olympian - Chardonnay cupcakes.  That's all I gotta say about that.
Stuffed Ashes - Read these reviews before you waste money on any crap.  Plus, she has a cute cat.  I hate am allergic to cats, but I could never hold that against her because she's awesome. 

Once you pop...you can't stop.  I'm breaking the rules.  I don't have tags on my mattresses either.

Apartment 513 - So inspiring for such a young girl.  Her photography and design skills are incredible.
MommaRuthSays - Go get your laugh on with Momma Ruth.  I dare you.
Reasons To Be Happy That You Don't Have Kids - If you are childless...by choice or otherwise...you should read these posts.  Karyn is also a beautiful, intelligent and strong woman who is doing things I could only admire.
Bloom Where You've Planted - Wanna see a cute baby? This is where you find it!

Seriously...I have to stop now because I am totally breaking the rules but soon I will do a post with all my faves.  There are some really wicked funny guy blogs out there and I want to share those with you too.  If I missed you this time around, I will catch you on the next one!

I Am Unafraid

**This may end up being a two-post Tuesday.  I'll try really hard not to jam up your Google reader but I make no promises!**

Sooooo.... Thanks to The Dooce Community I've been lucky enough to meet some of the most fascinating people.  I seriously wish we weren't all scattered around the world, but either way I am lucky to have met them.  One of those people is Josie Maran who started her own line of environmentally friendly cosmetics.  If you're into the environment and you care what goes into the products you are spending your dollars on, then you need to check out Josie Maran Cosmetics.  You can find her products online or at Sephora.  Oh Sephora...... you and my money have such a love/hate relationship.  I hope you are happy together.

"I am" is the current Real Women feature on Josie's blog.  I love reading the stories of empowerment on there.  Today, I am one of those women.  I am unafraid. I had to share a little more of myself in the bio than I do on this blog to really convey why I believe so much in her products, but it's worth it.  You'll be all "Junket, I never knew that about you" and I'll have to admit that I only play a swearing sailor in the off-hours and then we'll bond or you'll unfollow me on Twitter because I'm not the bad ass I think you thought I was ...or something. It's a little chink in my anonymity armor but that's okay.  Plus, I totally look high in the picture so you NEED to check that out because it won't happen again.  I wasn't chemically high.  It was a natural high.  I just don't know how to properly keep my eyes open.  Now that I think about it, I should have changed my sign to read , "I am Not Faded" or something else along those lines.  Either way, you can check it out right here.

In case you're wondering, I use JMC Tinted Moisturizer and Finger Paints.  They are perfect for everyday use when you don't want to look half dead but don't feel like wearing too much make-up.  Plus, there is SPF in the moisturizer so you're doing yourself a favor in the long run.  As much time as I've spent in the sun in my lifetime, I need all the SPF I can get!  I am challenging YOU GUYS to send in your own "I am" statement to Josie.  From reading your blogs, I know there are some incredible ladies that can help empower others.

 

In my haste, I clearly stuck my fingers in before I took a picture.  Classy, I know. 

Where Oh Where Have My Biceps Gone?

Remember back here when I had to get all serious about my fitness because I wanted to increase my chances of getting pregnant and then living long enough to see my child become the first female president?  Man, I was so into working out and eating healthy back then that I amazed myself.  I had triceps and biceps and my legs were all strong and I felt like She-Ra after every workout.  What happened?

As of today later this afternoon, I'm back on the wagon.  I looked at the wagon last week.  I only went out to eat once when I went to dinner with a friend this weekend and the rest of the time I managed to eat pretty well.  I probably overdosed on Diet Coke to take the pain away but I'm okay with that.  In exactly one hour, I am meeting with a personal trainer.  I'm gonna be honest.  I hate this gym, but it's close to where I'm living.  I just don't understand why there are 300 people in there at any given time of day.  I don't want to smell the sweat of 300 people.  I just don't.  I'm excited about the training, however.

I've already pretty much cut all alcohol out of my diet for the past few months with the exception of my going away party and the occasional glass of wine.  Alcohol should not be an issue at all.  The problem is going to be getting up before 5:00 am to do early morning workouts.  I really do miss my muscles.  I wish they'd write or text or facebook me once in a while to let me know how they are doing.  When I find them again, I'm going to tag them in photos so they can always find their way home.  Maybe if I treat them better this time, they will stick around longer.  We'll go to counseling, I swear.

So wish me luck today.  Not so much on the working out but mostly for not letting my trainer pick up on the fact that I had Del Taco for lunch today.

Baby Peyton

There was an old woman that lived in a shoe.
She had so many godchildren, she didn't know what to do.
So she kissed them and loved them and loved them some more.
Then all of a sudden she realized she had four.

 

This bundle of sweetness belongs to my beautiful cousin.  Isn't she absolutely precious, internet? My cousin and I are very close.  We are so close that if she didn't have a rockin' body...we would be twins.  We are a real life Jenny Craig before and after shot.   No joke.  So naturally, if her kids look like her, then they look like me.  I get really excited over this.  I'm not sure why, but I do.  As cute as Baby Peyton is, I can't take any credit.  She looks just like her daddy....except for one thing that she gets from her Mommy and her Auntie Junket.  She has our goofy pinky.  It's a family trait and it comes from our grandfather.  She may have been born the day after we wanted her to be, but having this pinky finger makes up for it.  It's the little things in life that make you smile.

 

Drunk Texts

I just found a portion of my post, Booty Calls, listed on another website called www.drunktext.net.  I'm not exactly sure how this website works but I think it trawls the internet for phrases like "drunk texting" or "you stupid moron, don't do a shot and then text your ex."  I can't figure out how it works but who cares?  I've made a fine mess of myself by drunk texting and such.  I consider this an honor of the highest esteem. 

I'd like to thank my exes for providing me with the anger and resentment to fire off retarded emails/texts that are so good that they last a lifetime.

Also, I have to thank my BFF for encouraging the texts that usually start off with a jagerbomb and the taunting line, "It'll be fun."

To Sister Potato Head... I freaking love your drunk texts so keep 'em coming.  Especially the misspelled ones.

To T-Mobile for giving me the freedom and the 3G network that allows me to ruin my reputation.  Where would I be without you? In a healthy relationship I suppose.

Above all else, I give thanks to God for blessing me with a smart mouth and the ability to wear my drink and my heart on my sleeve.

Oh...they're cutting me off.  I hear the orchestra so I have to make this quick.... www.drunktexts.com, if you're making a drunk texting app, I will gladly allow you to advertise on my blog.  I'll be your spokesperson - complete with testimonials.

Jerry Maguire -My agent -  You are my ambassador of Kwan.

I'll Give You Something to Watch

I always wonder what it would feel like if someone put me in what they thought was my bookstore on the beach with a coconut full of jager   natural habitat and then millions of people came by to watch my actions like a low-rated reality show.

"Is she reading AGAIN?"
"That's like her 6th coconut and she's...well...I guess that's dancing."
"Who knew someone could like the song "Kokomo" so much?"
"Is she having a conversation with a moon jelly? WTF, mate?"
"Dude, I think she just told that spicy hummus that she is so in love with it that she would marry it and have it's spicy little hummus babies that will be part spicy, part Irish and part Polish.  It's a smartass with a low I.Q and a drinking problem."
"Let's watch The Tudors on Showtime instead of this bullshit."

I definitely don't think anyone wants to see me in my natural habitat which leads me to believe that animals aren't loving the habitats that they live in at the zoo.  I understand the zoo is important for many reasons and it gets the heroin-addicted giraffes off the street and stuff, but in my heart, I don't think they are happy.  Don't even get me started on how I feel about Sea World.

The thing is, sometimes you have a small child that begs you to go to the zoo.  You weigh the pros and cons of it and look into their cute little faces with big brown eyes and you say, "Ok, let's go see the empty shell of a soul   sea lions and the lonely hippopotamus at the zoo.  I hope you ask me to buy you a $12 juice in a gorilla cup and a $14 photo of us on on the day I sold my soul to the devil.  Get in the car.

Then sometimes, you get to the zoo and something miraculous happens that makes you feel like you were meant to be there that day.  You didn't just go back on your convictions.  Fate brought you to this place and this time because you NEEDED to be a witness.

Me: "I have an idea. Let's sit up here on these steps and have some lunch while we watch the chimpanzees."
Child: "These monkeys are really funny. They are so silly."
Me: "That they are, my friend.  I wonder what they........um  ......um..."
Child: "Junket? Is that monkey pooping into his hand?"
Me: "I....um....(holy shit)...um...I think he might be....doing....that."
Child: "Why is he pooping into his hand? What is he going to do?"
Me: "I hope he's going to throw it at the other chimpanzee sitting next to him."
Child: "Why would he throw his poop?
Me: "Don't worry, he's not going to throw it because he's EATING IT!"
All Together Now: "GROSSSSSS!"

Let's take a second to digest this little scenario. The chimp was sitting on a high ledge with his ass to us.  He starts to take a shit right there in front of everyone and cups his little monkey hand under his ass to catch said shit.  If that wasn't bad enough, he looked at it and then put it in his mouth like a cigar and then walked around with it in his mouth like that for thirty minutes.  How do I know this? Because I sat there in awe and watched this for an additional thirty minutes. I couldn't even get up because I was laughing so hard.  I was actually snorting because I couldn't catch my breath.  Everyone else was grossed out and left - but not me.  I had to see more.  What kind of sick individual watches chimpanzees shit into their own hand and enjoys it?  This one.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I felt a kinship with the chimps today because if I was trapped in a "habitat" with people watching my every single move, I would do the same freaking thing.  Word to your mother.

In Dog Years......

My dog is dropping thirty-five today.  We are officially the same age.  I can't believe I've kept him alive for this long.  I even remember to feed him every single day.  No one thought I'd be able to stick to the commitment of being a pet owner.  To all of you who thought that...suck on this.  My dog is awesome and partially human.  I mean, really?  How many dogs do you know that have favorite songs and can differentiate between them?  In honor of the fantastical beagle, I'm posting his very own playlist.  He also got some all natural, organic pupcakes today from a gourmet dog bakery at the Farmer's Market on Fairfax.  Juicy Shout-Out to the Three Dog Bakery for making the beagle's birthday a fun one.  I looked over at him after he ran off with his pupcake and said, "Damn, that dog likes to party...with two R's."

You see that?  It's carrot cake for dogs.  It smells like carrot cake.  I may or may not have tasted it.  You would've done it so stop making that stank face.

Best Missed Connection Ever

I'm sorry, but this is without a doubt the best thing I've ever seen on Craigslist.

You farted in Trader Joes - m4w - 35

---

Date: 2010-01-19, 10:17AM EST

---

You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, "Was that you?" you quickly replied, "No, wasn't me!" You almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving 2 loaves of Ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a great dane, I'd love to meet up sometime.

Mullets and Mayonnaise

In honor of my friend who is a Minnesota Vikings fan and is ready to watch the showdown with the Saints today, I am posting this video that he shared with me.  Sister Potato Head, on the other hand, is a die-hard Saints fan (even after this incident.) So all I have to say to the both of you is...um...Go Bucs!



Besides being pretty funny, how can you not like a video that starts with the sentence, "69? That's just the beginning of my story."  Am I perverted? Hell yeah I am.  Thanks Jared Allen for bringing out the best in me.

Three Little Birds

Remember my cousin?  You know..the one who already has three kids and yet got pregnant on accident while I was trying and failing?  Yeah, that one.  I love her so much that it hurts.  She is one of my most favorite people in the whole world and possibly the closest person in my family.  Even though the hooker got pregnant and rubbed it in my face, I love her anyway.

She is about to give birth at any given moment.  I'm pushing for the 23rd because that is the day our grandfather died.  I think it would be very special for my new god daughter to be born on this day.  As of yesterday she is 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced.  I hate that I'm not there with her.  I held her hand and cut the cord for her last child and I really wanted to be there for this one too.  I've photographed the birth of all three of her children (my awesome god children) and I wish I could do it for this one too.  As a matter of fact, her water broke IN MY CAR for the last one and my favorite line of any woman in labor EVER came from her:  "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck FUCK. (breath) Does my hair look okay?"  Oh God, how can I be missing this???

Not that it makes up for it, but I found my newest little god daughter the most amazing going home outfit in all the land.  I have never- and I mean never- been so excited to stumble across this piece of baby couture.

 Behold the Awesomeness

I am a huge Bob Marley fan.  I don't know if the baby is, but if I have anything to do with it she'll be reciting his tunes like nursery rhymes.  Tell me this outfit doesn't make you happy?  I think I jumped up and down a little when I saw it.  Speaking of which, I found it at this great little boutique in Santa Monica near the Farmer's Market.  For the life of me, I can't find the card but as soon as I do, I will come back and give you all the details in case you're local or if you want to order it online.  What the hell did I do with that card?  It's probably with the card for my new hot-as-hell hairdresser that I'm going to blog about soon.  Stand by for that one!

So, keep your fingers crossed that my new little bundle of love will make her appearance on the 23rd.  I'll post the pictures of her royal cuteness as soon as I get them.  I absolutely can't wait!!

Snap, Crackle and Oh My God Pop

It was bound to happen.  I have contracted the deadly head cold from a small child sneezing into my face.  The rain doesn't help.  Last night while I laid in bed listening to the silence, I realized a very important thing.

My breathing sounds like a bowl of Rice Krispies.

Should I be concerned?

Thank You Google

I'm taking the easy way out today.  Consider this the frozen dinner of blogs instead of Thanksgiving.

Here is a list of Google searches that brought some very interesting readers to this site.

Brace yourself.

Junket & Diarrhea
Married to the Sea Missed Connections
Junket Alcohol
Keep Pushing Real Good
Charlie, Look Out For The Blehblehbleh

The Songs If They Look Like My Jager
In Saw That Look Like My Jager
Junket Band
Junket Heart
What Does Jager Look Like When You Throw Up
Fuk With My Sister

Ignore Voicemail; The Cock Hath Been Unblocked
Uterus Jokes
Filmes Porno Com O'ed Fuckers 4
Too Much Jagermeister Dangers
I'm a Fainter


....and my personal favorite?


Booty Juice.  

Which came from the internet server of a hospital that shall remain nameless.

Exposing the Berenstain Bears

I'm about to do something that seems a little...un-American right now. I know that I'm going to get hate mail over this and I am prepared to do so.  It is not without appreciation for the good, that I have to ask what in the hell is wrong with The Berenstain Bears?

I have read more than my fair share of the updated versions of  the "BB's" this week.  It's been rather interesting because I only remember them from my day. (What up 1974?)  They lived in a tree.  Mama always wore that chic polka dot dressing gown and cap.  The kids were always into something and at the end, there was a lesson to be learned.  A moral to the ever heart warming story.  I liked these books as a kid.  I mean, I guess I did.  I don't recall writing my name in them in the event of theft.  I didn't beg for my parents to keep them around.  Morals just didn't appeal to me I suppose.

When I read them now (to other children in my life...not for leisure) I am seeing a whole new side to the BB's. For instance, in the book "Too Much Junk Food" Mama bear belittles her children and calls them fat asses.  Really Mama Bear? You didn't look in the mirror this morning?  Making your children point out their own fat rolls is what gets you going?  Nice parenting.  Even the town doctor was all up in their business at the grocery store.  If I were a BB, I would probably be called "Jelly Belly Fat Ass Junket" and you would never see me in the stories because I spend my time in therapy all the way across the forest.  In the book "The Messy Room" Mama Bear literally throws a temper tantrum when the kids won't clean their room.  I'm not kidding.  I looked everywhere to try and find a photo of it online.  Mama Bear was keepin' it real.  As a matter of fact, she has some sort of conniption fit in every book.  Except for the one where they make her get a job and she cries because all she wants to do is be home chastising her cubs and shooting whiskey.  God, I love that one.  I love it almost as much as Brother Bear and Sister Bear calling each other names like, "dummy" and "stupid" and "whore".

When is it going to end? They even tried to make a video game for Gameboy out of the BB's back in 2000.  It was called Extreme Sports with the Berenstain Bears.  First of all.....what? Secondly, Electronic Gaming Monthly called it "one of the worst games in the history of electronic games."  I can't back that citation up but I got it off of Wikipedia so it must be accurate, right? Here's the one that really gets me.  While doing a little research, (I'm looking at you Wikipedia) I found that they are making the BB's into a movie.  No, I'm not kidding.  It's a mix of CGI and live action set for a 2013 release date.  All I wanna know is how I can get a job working on this script.  I will take the BB's to a whole new level.  Papa Bear won't even know what hit him.

Now, here is your homework.  That's right.  I'm making this blog interactive.  Go to the BB's Wikipedia Page and read the description of all the characters. Tell me which one you would want to play in the movie. This is critical info that I'm going to need when I trash the script.

Juicy Shout-Outs for Kids

I haven't really had any Mother Goose Juice to share with you guys lately but now I do! For those of you who have kids in the Los Angeles area and are looking for a few things to do, I would love to offer you some suggestions.

I am having so much fun with my friends and their kids.  I'm from a relatively small town so Los Angeles is a BIG change for me.  I've traveled extensively, but it's not the same as actually living in a new place.  I'm like a giant kid in a candy store.  Here are three very fun things I've done with the kids this week.

So, if you're ever in the mood to swim in a giant ball pit and act like a crazy person, you should take the kids to The Coop in Studio City.  It's an indoor/outdoor covered area playroom and coffee house.  It's like killing two birds with one stone.  You get your daily coffee and the kids get to play.  It's especially fun if you get all hopped up on caffeine and play with them.  There are slides and a jump house.  There's the huge ball pit, ropes and ladders to climb, a play kitchen area and EVEN a disco dancing floor that lights up when you dance on it.  I was especially loving the book area because there were incredibly hip books.  I've never seen children's books where there are movie sets and movie cameras IN THE PICTURES.  It's like LA kids are being primed for Hollywood success.  It was interesting.  I really liked the fact that they were playing Jack Johnson in there too.  There are picnic tables so you can bring your own lunch.  Overall, it's just a fun, safe and a great location for a birthday party.

Second on my list is TreePeople in Coldwater Canyon Park.  There is no doubt that the tree canopy in Los Angeles isn't what it should be and this organization is organizing outreach programs to offset the damage.  According to this brochure I have in my hand from today, "TreePeople is an environmental nonprofit serving the Los Angeles area for more than three decades.  Simply put, our work is about helping nature heal our cities and creating Functioning Community Forests".  How perfect is that.  Check out their websites to see more about what they are doing and the youth outreach programs.  I particularly enjoyed learning about the water system for California and how technology is created to preserve it.  Aside from that, it's a park.  You'll find some great hiking trails that will no doubt strengthen your booty.  I saw bike trails and an amphitheater and lots of dogs.  Plus, the view of the valley and even the canyons was absolutely breathtaking.  Guess who has found a new favorite hiking trail?  I can't wait to go back. Get those kids out there and encourage them to get involved.  Don't forget that as kids, most of their motivation comes from what they see their parent's doing.....which explains so much in my case. 

 

If you know a kid that likes trains then I've got the perfect place for you.  For dinner one night we went to Carneys Restaurant . It's the perfect definition of a "joint".  Literally?  It's a train car.  They serve mostly hamburgers and hot dogs ( all kinds) and you eat on the train.  This little cargo car was seriously packed with people, but the line goes fast and everyone is in and out quickly.  It's not exactly healthy food, but if you order a turkey burger you'll feel like you still ate healthy - when you really didn't.   If your kids don't like hot dogs or hamburgers, you may want to skip this or bring their food in with you.  I thought it was adorable.  It reminded me of a place back home, with the exception of it being an actual train. Ooh, and I almost forgot.  It was only $22.00 to feed four people.  We went to the one in Studio City but there is also one in West Hollywood too.  Definitely check this out!

So does this mean I'm all stocked up on Mother Goose Juice for a little while?  Good.

How to Eat Your Way Across the Country Like a Fat Ass

Do you eat healthy on a road trip? I find it rather difficult.  In all honesty, we started out great.  We had lots of water and some wasabi peas.  Our first meal was at Subway because we wanted to eat fresh.  We tried really hard to maintain some sort of nutritious medium.  That lasted through Florida and Alabama.  Once we hit Mississippi, Sister Potato Head's love of New Orleans cuisine started taking over her brain.

I've never eaten in New Orleans, believe it or not.  Call me deprived.  I've heard my friends and family speak of Po'Boys and Beignets and yet, I never had the pleasure.  That is, until we took a slight detour into New Orleans.  I had my first ever Po'Boy.  It was a gigantic (and fresh) sandwich with fried shrimp spilling out of it.  I don't normally eat shrimp for environmental reasons so my family was astonished that I made an exception.  In case you're wondering what a Po'Boy looks like...here you go.

I cannot tell a lie.  It was delicious.  Also, it came from a place that looked like a convenience store.  I believe it was called Check In/Check Out.  They also had some homemade pink cake that I was dying to get but I showed a smidgen of self control.  Plus, our next stop on the way to cardiomyopathy was a visit to Cafe du Monde for some beignets and cafe mochas.  (For the one or two of you deprived souls like myself who don't know) Beignets are misshapen donuts that are deep fried and then dropped into a paper bag full of the sweetest powdered sugar in the entire world.  My sister taught me how to shake the bag up before you take your little piece of heaven out.  We ate these in the car.  Even the dog was going nuts to try one.  See, here's the thing about eating beignets in the car....with black pants...and black interior.  Basically, you end up looking like you had a cocaine fight.  It straight up looked like an old school episode of Miami Vice up in that car.  Which....is appropriate because beignets are just blow for fat people. My name is Junket and I am an addict.

Looking like we doused ourselves in syrup and rolled in a giant pile of blow isn't always a bad thing.  I mean, if the cops pull us over for something we'll have a lot of explaining to do, but who cares?..........I'll tell you who cares.  The Louisiana State Police cares.  While on the phone trying to find a hotel that welcomes Gwen Stefani loving beagles, I heard my sister say things like, "Shit." and "Mothereffer" and some other made up words.  One minute later, I see blue lights in the mirror and Sister Potato Head gets pulled over by the police.  Not just any police.....Fuckin' Brian.  (Who's Brian? Go back and listen to the audio clip on Outing Karen)

It was dark and she drove up into an exit and then some before she actually stopped which was probably cause to shoot holes into us.  As he walked up to the car, he shouted "5-0".  My sister, under her breath, responded with "5'3 and 1/2".  So Fuckin' Brian makes her get out of the car.  The car that looks like a Hollywood party coffee table.  In short,  she was speeding.  She saw Fuckin' Brian on the side of the road.  She tried to pull a Fast and the Furious move in between two large trucks to hide from him and then it all blew up in her face because not only did Fuckin' Brian pull her over....he called her out on her Grand Theft Auto skills when she tried to lie.  He wasn't the least bit nice about it.  She was going to let him feel her up, but the apparent blow powdered sugar all over her yoga pants was cause for his concern.

 

Here was my view from the passenger seat. Good thing Fuckin' Brian didn't make me get out of the car.  I'm pretty sure there was blow powdered sugar still on my face.

The next day, we were off to Texas.  Texas sucks.  Sorry Texas, but there's not a whole lot to see on I-10.  Well, unless you're extremely immature and get lured in by the sound of beaver nuggets.  Yes, beaver nuggets.  About 100 miles away from this beaver holy land we started seeing hilarious signs with a cartoon beaver advertising beaver nuggets.  Sister Potato Head was all about it.  All I could think of were the gross and inappropriate sexual connotations that go along with words like beaver nuggets.  I'm a perv.  I admit it.  We weren't able to get many pictures of the signs but basically they are advertising for a truck stop called Buc-ee's.  Go ahead.  Google it.  Google Image it if you dare.

 

(Photo credit - ABC NEWS)

I'm telling the honest to goodness truth.  In short, this place was nuts.  When we pulled in it was like every single car on the interstate had stopped (which helped our license plate game) to get beaver nuggets.  We walked in and it looked like armageddon.  There were hundreds of people everywhere.  It was mass chaos with a beaver's face.  I hated it.  We found the beaver nuggets which were actually FUCKING CORN POPS and got out of there.  Well, that's not true.  I also got a pulled pork sandwich.

After Texas we did NOT eat in New Mexico because it smelled like someone shit and stepped in it.  Then, in Arizona I saw these potato chips at the gas station and made my sister try them.  She hated them.  I was kind of digging them.  It's like a tequila shot except the tequila is lemon meringue pie.  Very unusual.

Let's see....Arizona.  My sister wanted Mexican food so badly that she got me lost in a ghetto trying to find some.  Also, the beagle was acting as if he had already ate a burrito or twelve.  My sister made me pull over and walk him in said ghetto because she has an overactive gag reflex. In the end, we ate Denny's...which was worth it because our server had jokes.  He gave us the bill and said, "What's the difference between me and a cop?" then he said "You can't get out of this ticket."  Burn, sister, burn.  Later we got treats at the Circle K.  It was good and bad.  Good because we were five minutes behind a horrific accident that we potentially would have been a part of if we hadn't wanted to gain five pounds on Hostess Cupcakes.  Bad, because later that night.........the beagle helped himself to the last cupcake. Talk about a road trip freakout.  Thankfully, he is fine.

Once we actually crossed over into California, we ate some Del Taco.  According to the evidence the next morning, it looked like we ate it like savage dogs.  The car looked like, well, a salad.  The next day we stuffed our faces with hot dogs on the Santa Monica Pier.  The following day, we ate the best Greek food I've ever had in my life at a restaurant called Ulysses Voyage in the Farmer's Market.  Their website describes them as a "gastronomical odyssey" and I concur.  I am a HUGE fan.  Pun intended at the moment.  We followed up with my sister's first trip to Pinkberry - which I knew she would love because she holds me hostage at TCBY's when she can find one.  We finished up with some latte's from The Coffee Bean and then I sent her on her way at the airport.

 

Five additional pounds? check.  Pants a little too tight? You know it.  A very fun way to explore America with your sister? The best EVER!

Pay It Forward

Do you know what's fun to do in El Paso? Get the hell out of there, that's what's fun.  After potentially getting scabies from what was disguised as a Wyndham, we were out the door in the morning.  We needed coffee and we needed it stat.  We found a Starbucks and promptly missed the turn - thanks to Karen.  Then we found our way back to it and got in the drive-thru.  For whatever reason that morning (maybe the scabies) we were particularly moody.  The car in front of us was taking what seemed to be a long time getting their order.  My veins were impatiently waiting to receive the nectar of the mocha.  Christ, what could possibly be the hold up? Come ON already!

Finally, there is movement and the we get to the front of the line.  The lovely barista asked if we knew the lady in front of us.  Obviously, we did not.  Turns out, the hold up was because she bought our coffee for us.  She told the barista that karma pays off.

Shit.

How bad did we feel?  Pretty freaking bad.  We had one of those moments of reflection where we realized that there are such good people in the world and we are ................assholes.  Luckily, the kind lady had her business advertised on the back of her car with a link to her deliciously scented candle business.  To return the favor of the coffee and self-reflection I am going to post a link to her site.  Take a look and if you end up buying something, let her know the girls she bought coffee for in El Paso, Texas say thanks!

https://daniellemills.scentsy.us

P.S. Sister Potato Head asked what was going on.  I told her it was a Random Act of Kindness.  Her response? "What is that?"  See? It was not just a free latte.  It was a much welcomed lesson in life.  Thanks, Danielle Mills!