Baby Awesome

Q: Where the hell have you been?
A: Nobody told me that trying to write and be solely responsible for a baby at the same time was a doctorate-level skill.

I have a new respect for the real mommy-bloggers out there.  I love reading your stuff.  I get excited reading your stories of motherhood and parenting.  I apologize because I have taken you for granted.  I just assumed that when the babies went down for a nap, you had the afternoon free to sit down and write a well thought out post.  Is my ignorance showing?  I'll cover it up right now.

I have in front of me a beautiful baby boy.  Let's call him Baby Awesome.  He belongs to a friend of mine.  His equally awesome and amazing mom, is working on a project in my area.  While she is here, Baby Awesome and I will be spending our days and nights together - bonding, if you will.  Now, when I'm on their side of the country, we get to play and laugh and I go home at the end of the day.  You know, the "Auntie Junket" type of thing.  Love it - good at it- graduated Summa Cum Laude in it.  For the next few weeks, I am Nanny Poppins.  I get the real deal and it's great practice. (Just so you know, I typed the second half of this paragraph with one hand while making silly noises. Impressed? I also smell poop and I'm almost sure it's not me.)

Since I have very little thought process left, Baby Awesome is going to become a baby-blogger and add his two cents to the mix.

Dear Auntie Junket,

I'm so excited to be visiting you.  I'm a big boy now, you know.  I rode on an airplane and everything just to get here.  Thank you for taking care of me while my mommy is working.  Of all the people to take care of me during this critical mother/baby milestone, I'm a little shocked that it's you.  I mean that in a good way of course.  I hear that you want to have a baby of your own.  That's exciting.  Here's some news for you.  It's not as easy as it looks.  Remember this morning when I woke up and you were all, "welcome to the morning, Mr. Sunshine?"  I laughed, but it was 'at' you.  Seriously? Is that all you got?  I can't take you seriously with that black nail polish.  Oh, it's not black? Could have fooled me. "Midnight in Moscow", you say?  Whatever floats your boat, Lauren Conrad. 

Thanks for taking me on that extra long walk. I behaved the whole time.  You took the time to painstakingly teach me how to use a bottle so I felt that I owed you one.  Listen, it's nothing against you.  I just love my mom's boobs, okay? I know it's the same stuff but how would you feel if someone gave you diet coke in the can instead of the bottle.  Mmm hmm.  We all know how you'd react.  Remember at the grocery store when you looked down and I was randomly smiling up at you?  You liked that, didn't you?  I was only smiling because I knew that later I was going to wait until you tried to put a morsel of food in your mouth and then I was going to scream.  I know.  Charming and adorable, right?  You're the one saying you want to lose another twenty pounds by Christmas, so I'm only trying to help you out.  I also didn't want you to have hummus breath, so there.  Now you know.  Thanks for giving me a bath.  I'm sorry that I screamed for the first three minutes of it.  Your bubble noises were so deliciously retarded that I had to start laughing through my tears.  Is this why you aren't married? Yeah, I get it now.  I'm going to go pretend to sleep just long enough for you to sit down at the computer for minute.  I wouldn't get too involved in writing....FYI.  I've got more in store for you.  What's that you say? The Hills is on tonight? Stupid, stupid girl.  You'll learn really quickly to stop sharing this info with me.  Trust me, it's for your own good.  The Hills? Really? Come on. 

Love,

Baby Awesome

P.S. I don't know why you're bitching about not being able to get to the Dooce Community today.  I've got your "dooce" right here.  You know what I'm talkin' about.