I'll Give You Something to Watch

I always wonder what it would feel like if someone put me in what they thought was my bookstore on the beach with a coconut full of jager   natural habitat and then millions of people came by to watch my actions like a low-rated reality show.

"Is she reading AGAIN?"
"That's like her 6th coconut and she's...well...I guess that's dancing."
"Who knew someone could like the song "Kokomo" so much?"
"Is she having a conversation with a moon jelly? WTF, mate?"
"Dude, I think she just told that spicy hummus that she is so in love with it that she would marry it and have it's spicy little hummus babies that will be part spicy, part Irish and part Polish.  It's a smartass with a low I.Q and a drinking problem."
"Let's watch The Tudors on Showtime instead of this bullshit."

I definitely don't think anyone wants to see me in my natural habitat which leads me to believe that animals aren't loving the habitats that they live in at the zoo.  I understand the zoo is important for many reasons and it gets the heroin-addicted giraffes off the street and stuff, but in my heart, I don't think they are happy.  Don't even get me started on how I feel about Sea World.

The thing is, sometimes you have a small child that begs you to go to the zoo.  You weigh the pros and cons of it and look into their cute little faces with big brown eyes and you say, "Ok, let's go see the empty shell of a soul   sea lions and the lonely hippopotamus at the zoo.  I hope you ask me to buy you a $12 juice in a gorilla cup and a $14 photo of us on on the day I sold my soul to the devil.  Get in the car.

Then sometimes, you get to the zoo and something miraculous happens that makes you feel like you were meant to be there that day.  You didn't just go back on your convictions.  Fate brought you to this place and this time because you NEEDED to be a witness.

Me: "I have an idea. Let's sit up here on these steps and have some lunch while we watch the chimpanzees."
Child: "These monkeys are really funny. They are so silly."
Me: "That they are, my friend.  I wonder what they........um  ......um..."
Child: "Junket? Is that monkey pooping into his hand?"
Me: "I....um....(holy shit)...um...I think he might be....doing....that."
Child: "Why is he pooping into his hand? What is he going to do?"
Me: "I hope he's going to throw it at the other chimpanzee sitting next to him."
Child: "Why would he throw his poop?
Me: "Don't worry, he's not going to throw it because he's EATING IT!"
All Together Now: "GROSSSSSS!"

Let's take a second to digest this little scenario. The chimp was sitting on a high ledge with his ass to us.  He starts to take a shit right there in front of everyone and cups his little monkey hand under his ass to catch said shit.  If that wasn't bad enough, he looked at it and then put it in his mouth like a cigar and then walked around with it in his mouth like that for thirty minutes.  How do I know this? Because I sat there in awe and watched this for an additional thirty minutes. I couldn't even get up because I was laughing so hard.  I was actually snorting because I couldn't catch my breath.  Everyone else was grossed out and left - but not me.  I had to see more.  What kind of sick individual watches chimpanzees shit into their own hand and enjoys it?  This one.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I felt a kinship with the chimps today because if I was trapped in a "habitat" with people watching my every single move, I would do the same freaking thing.  Word to your mother.